Sunday, January 21, 2007


I just posted an update post of my melon shawl on the Victorian Lace KAL - for more details on that, just go there.
As a teaser, here's a pic of the eding progress:

There isn't much more visible than the actual yarn, as the pattern will only come out when stretched - but I should finish it this weekend! Yesterday has been a bit too troubled, but I only have to go like 15 cm on the side, then the lower border, and the 32 repeats to the beginning, and I'm done! That should be about the time I catch up on all the Knitty D and the City episodes I somehow lost in iTunes. And forgot about. Comepletely. I'm such a dork ...

From here on, no knittery yarn porn thingy. I have warned you, now comes something personal, so if you don't want to get into my crappy reflections - LEAVE!

Now, I do really like to ramble on in my posts here, rambling being one of my great passions. And this time the title really has a purpose (as to all other times, usually) - because I spent the last week reflectingt my life. And playing Mah Jongg excessively, but that's not worthy being talked about. And just shortly before taking the pics of the stole one thing hit me:

I'm the only one responsible for making my life miserable.

Now you will say, Duh! So let me explain:

Now, I just deleted baout 20 mins of rambling, so I'll be cutting this short: I've been deceiving myself. I'm perfectly happy with my life, my study, my boyfriend, and fuck all those people who brought me to think I'm too fat! Hell, if that's my only fault, I can slim down to 50 kg easily within 2 years, but can you cgange a crappy character as easily?

What all this is about is that during the course of the last year I rediscovered a side of myself that has been laying dorment for years, having been repressed by others for a while - my creativity. Writing is my true passion, and has been okay with people for years, but actually creating something crafted has not been wanted in my surroundings for years.

Now I found knitting, I really like it, and somehow it all screwed over my life, with the only strong wish to change my lifeand just be creative as the lone driving force. It has made my 8 hour days a neverending string of unendurable slow minutes ticking by, making all other things muted.

But that is so wrong - no one will ever take my creativity from me, it's a part of me the same as my inner force to study things, working in science - the second passion I harbour, and are going to make to my job, being nearly destroyed during the last months, just because everyone always expected me to just want that. I want both, and from now on will love both, as both will define me.

Mad genetic engineer designing knitting patterns before going to bed, doing naughty things ;)

heck, that's just me! And I'm proud of it!

And tomorrow, I'll go out, find myself some nicely fiting running clothes, and go for a run, ehm, wlak with some fatsre steps, in the evening. Not because I want to slim - butbecause I've always loved being out in nature on my own, letting my body drive itself to exhaustion. So I'm fat and I haven't been doing sports for years, so the first few trips will be awful, but do I really care? No, they won't be awful, because I will be outside, and will be happy. that I won't be running 10 miles in one hour is clear to me - why should that even be my goal? My goal is just to be outside, sweat a bit, get those lumpy muscles moving, and have fun! Running has always been such a strange competition for me, like, okay, now I'm on the road, I should jjust run verey day now and slim down, because they expect it of me - now is this strange, or just plainly fucked off?

Oh, and as an ulterior motive - should I really take up jogging regularly, I will inevitable slim a bit, and then I will need less time and yarn for projects, so that's definitely a motivation.

Now, two adorable cats:

end of rave. start of happy life.

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